5ELEMENTZ
by WynterSky
Summary: Konoha has its eye on a scroll that's only accessible during a civilian music festival. The best way to get to it: force Sakura to use the Oiroke no Jutsu and join a boy band! Unfortunately, other groups had similar ideas...
1. Chapter 1

[A/N: So, I think this might be the most cracked-up story I've ever put up (more than In Which Deidara, even) but I'm super stressed and it's kind of therapeutic.]

1.

Sakura glared at the words of the mission description, as if hoping her furious gaze would scare them into moving into a more acceptable order.

It didn't.

"Tsunade-sama…" she began, but the Hokage cut her off.

"I'm afraid you were our only option for this," she stated.

"What, one of the boys couldn't do it?" Sakura demanded.

Tsunade sighed. "Neji's too busy, Shikamaru's too lazy, Chouji is, well, Chouji, Shino has those bugs all the time, and Kiba's too unpredictable. Need I go on?"

"What about Naruto?"

"I'm sure you can understand why we wouldn't want our jinchuuriki to have hordes of raving fangirls."

"But...but...a _boy band!?_" Sakura wailed.

"I'm sorry," Tsunade said, "but it came down to you and Tenten and, well, Tenten cannot dance. At all. Besides, you know Naruto's Oiroke no Jutsu, don't you?"

"Um...he did show it to me once," Sakura admitted, now that it was clear there was no way of escaping her fate. "Hang on, I'll try it...Oiroke no Jutsu!"

Fortunately her attempt at a clothed version was successful, otherwise Sakura was sure she would have died of embarrassment on the spot. As it was, she blushed hot as Tsunade looked her over.

"That's pretty good," Tsunade said finally. "Maybe try to make your hair a little more red, rather than pink. Anyway, off you go! And remember to keep this quiet."

_Oh believe me, I don't want anyone but us knowing about this,_ Sakura thought as she left the office.

…

"Gaara, what…?" Kankura squinted at the mission description, not sure if he was reading it correctly.

"We have to get into the music festival somehow," Gaara explained. "You're the best choice since so few people have seen you without your makeup."

"So you want me to join a _boy band._"

Gaara nodded. Kankuro took a deep breath. "Does Temari know about this?"

"No. Why?"

"Because if you don't want a repeat of the Sons of Suna incident, you'd better keep it that way."

"Sons of Suna...I don't remember this," Gaara stated.

"Oh, right. I guess it was while you were…" Kankura didn't finish the sentence—he hadn't realized how short a time it had been before he began taking his little brother's sanity for granted. "Anyway. Maybe it's better you don't know about it. Just _don't let her get involved._"

…

"Leader-sama, please don't make me do this!" Deidara begged. "I don't want to join a boy band, un!" He would just die if any of his sisters found out!

"Tough," Pein declared. "It was you or Itachi, and we need Itachi for more important things."

"Please, Leader-sama! There has to be some other way!" Deidara was practically on his knees by now.

"If it makes you feel any better, there isn't," Pein stated, still not sounding in the least sympathetic. "One of the only times the building we need to get into will be accessible is during the music festival, and if you're backstage it should be a simple matter to take what we want and get out."

"But…" Deidara sighed and gave up. "Fine. Just _please_ keep the others from finding out."

…

"So…" Karui wanted to be sure she was reading the mission description right. "All I have to do is sneak off and steal the scroll during the music festival, _and_ I get to be surrounded by a harem of hot guys?"

"In a manner of speaking...yes."

"Sweet, this is the best mission ever!" Karui cheered. "When do I start?"

"Now, you have to remember that, since you'll be using the technique we gave you, the others will think you are also a, erm, 'super hot guy'," Samui pointed out.

"No worries, I'll work something out. Seriously, best mission ever. Right here."

"Well, just don't get carried away," Samui chided. "I don't see why they picked you…" she added in an undertone.

"What, me get carried away? Never. I'll go get ready now. Karui out."


	2. Chapter 2

[A/N: The title is properly supposed to be _5*ELEMENTZ_, but the FF title space wouldn't allow the asterisk. Also, this takes place during the timeskip and features no canon pairings. Only the finest crack fanfiction will be presented here.]

2.

There were five of them on the huge leather couch in the office. At the moment, they were alone, having been left there by the staff with orders to 'get to know each other'. No one had yet made any effort in that direction, so Sakura fidgeted on the bench as she looked around at the others.

She had no idea how she'd made it through the auditions. While she could sing competently and Anko (the only person in Konoha who knew the situation besides her and Tsunade) had put her through a crash course to improve her dancing skills, she was sure that considering the competition, there was no way she could have made it on talent alone.

In all likelihood, a large sum of money had crossed the company president's desk to accomplish her appointment. She felt a little bad that she was taking a spot that should rightfully belong to some worthy teenager, not a ninja who was only doing it for a mission.

Still, considering that she was currently surrounded by really cute boys, she couldn't feel too bad.

She recognized one of them from her audition group, sitting to her far left. They hadn't ever spoken but she couldn't forget a face as pretty as that—even as a girl he would beat her, and his lustrous dark hair was easily three times as long as hers.

The brown-haired boy directly to her left was tanned, stockier and more masculine, but still quite attractive. For a moment, Sakura almost thought he looked familiar, but decided that she must have been mistaken, considering how rarely she met civilian boys.

Immediately to her right, a smaller blond boy was fidgeting, fingers digging restlessly into a small tear in the slick leather couch. His hair was pulled into a low ponytail, and there was far more eyeliner than she felt a male should be using smudged around his violet eyes.

On the far right of the couch was the last member of their band-to-be, a dark-skinned boy with shaggy red hair held out of his face with a white headband. He also looked the most at ease with their current situation, and had slouched over on the couch so that he was practically lounging on the blond's shoulder.

There was a very long period of uncomfortable silence: after all, what were you supposed to do when shoved into a room with four people you had never met before and told you were going to become a band together?

Finally, the brunette broke the silence. "Um, I'm Kaito," he stated. "How about you guys?"

"Shirashi," murmured the dark-haired one.

"I'm Sakuto," Sakura said. She still felt the false name Tsunade had picked was ridiculously flimsy, but the Hokage had assured her that few people would be looking for a female ninja in a group of male civilian celebrities. She could see Tsunade's point, but it was still uncomfortable.

"Hikaru!" announced the blond.

"The name's Kohaku," drawled the redhead.

Even from the brief statements Sakura could tell that there were several different regional accents represented, but no specifics. Other than that the other boys all seemed perfectly normal.

All of them jumped as the door of the office opened behind them. Since Kohaku had been leaning on Hikaru's shoulder, Hikaru's sudden movement sent the other boy tumbling to the floor. Kohaku recovered quickly and by the time Iron Country Entertainment's CEO entered the room he was making a reasonable pretense that nothing had happened.

The CEO was pudgy enough to strain the buttons of his red silk suit, and wore far too much jewelry for any self-respecting businessman. From the way he looked at the boys clustered around his couch, it was clear all that he saw was an increase in his bank account. A woman with short hair styled in a way that looked sharp enough to cut and a sternly tailored skirt suit followed him in, taking up a position by the door.

Hikaru also seemed to have picked up on this, casting a wary sidelong gaze on the CEO as he moved towards the desk. Sakura wasn't sure about the others: Kohaku was still trying to look suave after his tumble off the couch, Kaito just looked bored, and Shirashi's face was an expressionless mask.

"I'm pleased to see you all getting to know each other," the CEO said in a friendly tone Sakura was certain was false.

"Oh yeah, we're gonna be best friends!" Kohaku declared, and would have thrown an arm around Hikaru's shoulders if he hadn't dodged and quickly shifted position to Sakura's other side.

"Lovely," the CEO purred greedily. "Now, there are just a few, er, a few dozen things you need to sign and then I'll turn you over to Kurosawa-kun here, who will be your manager."

Once Sakura had finished signing, she no longer felt sorry for the real boy whose place she had taken; rather she felt like she was probably the best thing that could have happened despite the fact that she and that hypothetical teen would never meet.

The contracts that they all ended up signing about seven times apiece were absurd. If it weren't for the fact that she had no intention of fulfilling the agreement after the music festival, Sakura would have been horrified. She had basically signed her life over to the music company for the next twelve years, in exchange for insultingly low pay and a minor fraction of any record profits. The other four boys would have no way out, and she felt sorry for them.

After she had put her false name down what felt like fifty or sixty times, Ms. Kurosawa took the papers and examined them briefly, as she had done the others'. Sakura winced, wringing her now-aching hand as her new manager looked through them.

"Everything looks in order," she reported, placing the entire massive stack of contracts in the CEO's hands. "Come along, boys, I'll take you to your dorm."

…...

_Several hours later:_

Deidara locked the bathroom door and adjusted the towel hung behind it so that it would block as much sound as possible. Sakuto hadn't looked like a nosy type of person but it would be Deidara's undoing if he was mistaken.

Once he was satisfied that the bathroom was as secure as it could be without using any jutsu that might give him away, Deidara perched on the counter in front of the mirror. Gathering his chakra, he made the seal that would activate his ring's connection with the Akatsuki leader.

A few seconds later, Pein's face appeared in the mirror. "Re—" the Leader's command was cut off by a yawn, and Deidara remembered that he had forgotten about the time difference between Rain Country and Iron Country. "Report."

"No-one suspects anything, un," Deidara said quickly. "I'm in a dorm, and I think we're going to start training tomorrow. I haven't heard anything about the music festival yet, un."

"Is that all?"

"I think so—oh, wait. I have a roommate so I'm not sure how often I can check in, un."

"Very well."

"Wait, wait, un!" Deidara exclaimed as the Leader's image wavered. "Please don't tell the others, un, please please please, Sasori will never let me live it down and Itachi—"

"_Fine_, now stop whining and go away."

Deidara obediently broke the connection, and after briefly adjusting his hair in the mirror so he could say that was why he had been in the bathroom, turned the light out and left.

…

"Sorry it took me so long to report, Hokage-sama," Sakura said to the full bathroom sink. "Hikaru was playing with his hair or something for ages."

Before leaving Konoha, Tsunade and Sakura had adjusted a few water jutsu into something that could be used to communicate with the Hokage's scrying stone. Sakura was glad to see a familiar face now.

"Have you found out anything important?" Tsunade bubbled.

"Not yet," Sakura said. "But Hokage-sama, that contract was terrible! What if they sue me later?"

"Sakura, the day someone sues a kunoichi of Konoha for breaking the contract of a male civilian celebrity will be the day Kakashi turns his weekly report in on time and legible."

"Well, if you're sure…"

"Don't worry, dear, you'll be fine. Now rest up, I'm sure they'll be training you hard."

"Me more than the rest, I'm sure," Sakura mumbled as she moved to pull the stopper. "Good night, Hokage-sama."

…

"How is it going?"

Kankuro glared at the blob of sand that was sitting on the bathroom sink. Currently, however, it was not a blob. It had formed itself into a replica of Gaara's head and shoulders so that the Kazekage could communicate with his brother. "Well, apart from the bit where _I'm now a member of a boy band,_ everything's peachy."

"I'm sorry, but it couldn't be avoided."

"And as long as Temari never finds out, I think I can forgive you. Someday. When will depend on how stupid the outfits we end up wearing are." Kankuro had somewhat of an objection to the very concept of boy bands, but boy bands that wore color-coded outfits he felt were the worst. "Also, I was stuck with two roommates, so I won't be able to report very often."

"Understood. Report as soon as you hear anything about the music festival," Gaara ordered. The blob of sand returned to being a blob of sand immediately afterwards.

…...

"Well?"

"Everything's awesome, Samui! I have two roommates and they're both hot. I was kind of hoping I could end up with Sakuto though—I mean, look at him!" Karui waved the audition photo at the metal orb that was currently projecting Samui's face. "Look at his _legs!_ I was a little mad when I saw there were going to be two redheads, but I guess it looks okay on him. Maybe the manager will make him change his hair. But anyway, my two roommates, their names are—"

"Karui!"

"Yeah?"

"That wasn't what I was asking about."

Karui blinked, then remembered. "Oh, right! That music festival thing. I haven't heard anything about that yet. Are you sure you don't want to know about my roommates?"

"Yes, I'm sure." The projection was a bit fuzzy, but Karui could tell Samui was pinching the bridge of her nose. "Check in once you hear about the music festival."

[A/N: As for what 5*ELEMENTZ sounds like, picture something like SHINee or STARISH or Fuudanjuku. I think those are appropriate examples since it's one real boy band, one fictional boy band, and one boy band that's all girls. If anyone's having trouble keeping the boys straight, Kaito=Kankuro, Sakuto=Sakura, Hikaru=Deidara (I use this as his given name a lot in my other stories), Kohaku=Karui.]


	3. Chapter 3

[A/N: I made a cover for 5*ELEMENTZ and I'm really proud of how it turned out.]

3.

"No, no! You have to commit to it!" Hikaru shouted, pausing the music.

"I'm committing, I'm committing!" Sakura protested, shaking her head to get sweat-damp auburn hair out of her face as she took a few deep breaths. She was by far the worst at dancing of their entire group, which was why her roommate had agreed to tutor her, but she was still struggling and it was frustrating for both of them. "Let's try it again."

"Okay, sure, un," Hikaru said, walking around her to study her stance as she prepared to go through the routine they had been practicing for almost an hour now. "You're all wrong here," he declared, grabbing her hips to push them into the correct position.

Sakura's fist twitched and she fought down the urge to smash him through the floor as she would have done instantly if, say, Naruto was the one touching her. _Breathe, Sakura. He thinks you're a guy. If you freak out you'll blow your cover and then the CEO can sue you all he wants._

She had never thought she would use the threat of a lawsuit as a calming mechanism.

"Now let's start," Hikaru said once he was satisfied with her posture, and switched the music back on.

This routine had been going on for almost two weeks now, or maybe three. The days were so blurred together with exhausting dance and vocal training regimens that Sakura wasn't entirely certain. She barely had enough time to herself to keep the Oiroke no Jutsu disguising her true gender supplied with chakra.

Her roommate situation was turning out surprisingly well. While she hated to descend to stereotypes, Hikaru was a bit, well, _blond_, being slightly vapid, overly cheery, and prone to spending up to three hours messing with his hair in the bathroom (this was the most frustrating trait since Sakura also needed to use the bathroom whenever she wanted to contact Tsunade). Despite all that, he wasn't the least bit jealous or catty and had been very generous in agreeing to help her with her dancing. He was a little hard to converse with, being a civilian and all, but Sakura did her best to fit in.

The other three boys lived in a second apartment on the same floor of the company dormitory, and the two groups would drop in on each other occasionally when there was any time to spare.

"How was that?" Sakura asked as the music stopped. At least she had made it all the way through the brief routine this time without Hikaru cutting her off.

"You're getting better, un!" Hikaru chirped, bouncing off his bed where he had been sitting to watch. "The only thing is that one bit at the end: you're supposed to lean back a lot farther," he explained, grabbing her hands and beginning to push her backwards to demonstrate. "It's more like thi—aaagh!"

Sakura's still-feminine center of gravity finally rebelled and the two apparent boys fell to the floor in a tangle. "Sorry," Sakura mumbled around a lock of Hikaru's hair that had fallen into her mouth. "I'll work on that."

No sooner had they managed to disengage enough to rise than the door to their apartment burst open. "Sakutoooo!" Kohaku shouted, pouncing on Sakura in a hug that sent her to the floor again. "I haven't seen you all day!"

"Did so, we were in Voice together this morning," Sakura retorted. "Stop crushing me!" Careful not to use a level of strength more than would be expected from a civilian, Sakura pushed Kohaku away. "What are you doing here, anyway?"

Besides Hikaru, Kohaku was the other fellow trainee she saw the most of, due to the fact that he kept visiting their apartment for the weirdest reasons and seemed to attach himself to Sakuto specifically. He claimed it was because "us redheads have to stick together", which was all well and good up to a point. Sakura wasn't sure what to make of it, but the pounce-hugging was starting to be annoying.

"Kaito and Shirashi are boring," Kohaku said as if this explained everything. "You guys have a wide-screen TV and I have _Shinobi Showdown VII._"

Sakura could see what this was leading up to. "No," she said firmly. "I want to sleep."

…

"Haha! Take this finishing attack! _Chakra Whirlwind!_"

"Nooooo!" Sakura wailed, mashing buttons uselessly as Kohaku's avatar blasted hers off the screen. "How are you so good at this?"

"I used to play hooky from school and hang out at the arcades all the time," Kohaku explained, taking another sip from the soda he had taken from Sakura and Hikaru's minifridge. "My grades sucked but I have the best top score in Lightning Country."

Sakura realized that this might be a field she should have researched a bit before diving into the world of being a civilian male. It wasn't that she had no interest in video games, she just had no time what with going on ninja missions and working in the hospital.

Still, her utter newbie status probably looked a bit odd in this setting—at least she knew what all the buttons on the controller did, due to having to drag Naruto (and occasionally Shikamaru when Ino was too busy) out of arcades from time to time. Seeming completely clueless would damage her cover.

"Rematch?" Kohaku asked.

"Oh yes." Sakura _hated_ losing.

"Try a different character," Hikaru suggested as Kohaku brought up the menu again. "Kamen Ninja V3 is good for beginners, he has really easy combos."

"And you know this because…?" Sakura asked as she selected the mentioned character.

"I taught my kid sister to play back home," Hikaru explained, running a hand through his bangs. "Hang on, I gotta go fix my hair."

"We won't see him again for a few hours," Sakura said as the bathroom door closed behind Hikaru. "One more match, then I'm going to bed, okay?"

…

"Right, this is the last…"

…

"One last match…"

…

"I'm not through! Again!"

…

_"I WILL BEAT YOU BEFORE I SLEEP!"_

…

"Hey, Kohaku, the manager's looking for us...have you two been playing that all night?"

Kohaku and Sakura barely looked away from the screen as Kaito entered the apartment.

"Yeah, they have," Hikaru groaned from the bed. "Made it really hard to sleep, un."

"Well, the manager wants to see all of us in the studio," Kaito elaborated. "Better hurry up, she's already impatient."

"As soon as we finish this match," Sakura said as Hikaru rolled out of bed and landed with a thump on the hardwood floor. "I'm just about to—hey!"

The television screen went black. Sakura stared around in confusion until she realized the source of the problem, namely that Shirashi was now holding the plug. "We should go," he said.

Sakura started to glare at him, but his expression was so serene she couldn't work up the anger it would require. "...fine."

…

Ten minutes later, the five of them were gathered in the basement studio where they trained, waiting for Ms. Kurosawa to reveal why she wanted to talk to them. Their icy manager rarely dealt with them directly, instead discussing any issues with their trainers and coaches.

Finally she cleared her throat to get their attention. "I have some very good news for you all," she stated. "Your band is going to debut at this summer's Continental Music Festival!"

All of them cheered, Sakura making sure to do so just as much as the rest to make sure no-one could guess that she had any prior knowledge.

"The concept—quiet down please—the concept for your group is going to be a ninja-themed band," Ms. Kurosawa continued. "Ninjas have been really 'in' lately, so we're going to take advantage of that. The name of the band is _5*ELEMENTZ_: each one of you will represent one of the elements traditional ninja techniques are based on. Ninjas also attribute a color to each of these different elements, so your costumes for performances will be derived from that...did you say something, Kaito?"

Kaito cut himself off in the middle of a string of muttered curses that Sakura could hear clearly since she was sitting directly in front of him. "No, Kurosawa-san."

"Very well. That's all for now—production of the first single is expected to start next month."

…

"I have to make this quick, Tsunade-sama," Sakura blurted as soon as the Hokage's face appeared in the sink. "Hikaru's yelling at me to get out so he can fix his hair. Anyway, we're a go for the music festival!"

"That's great," Tsunade replied. "Are you okay? You look exhausted."

"Oh, that," Sakura said, covering a yawn. "Sorry. It's no big deal: Kohaku made me play _Shinobi Showdown VII_ with him and wouldn't let me stop all night. Now that you mention it, though, I think I will turn in. 'Night!"

Tsunade waved at her cheerily as Sakura pulled the plug on the sink.

…

"We're in the music festival, un!" Hikaru announced. "About to start working on the first single and everything. I would have told you sooner but Sakuto wouldn't get out of the bathroom."

"Good job," Pein's projection said. "By the way, Konan will be your contact next time, since I'm going to be busy."

"Oh, okay," Deidara replied. "Um, she isn't a boy band groupie, is she, un?"

Pein raised one eyebrow. "How should I know?"

"I really hope I don't find out the hard way…" Deidara sighed as Pein's projection vanished.

…

_"Bloody! Color-coded! Outfits!"_

"Kankuro, please stop crushing the sand. It's only going to make a mess and if someone sees sand in your room they might get suspicious."

Kankuro sighed as he realized his outburst was not getting through to Gaara. "You are so lucky you're not actually here right now. My own little brother! Making me join a boy band and wear color-coded outfits!"

The tiny sand replica of Gaara had reformed by this time (after being smashed by Kankuro's fist) and blinked at him in some confusion. Clearly Gaara did not understand Kankuro's aversion to color-coded outfits. "Did you hear anything about the music festival?"

"Oh, right, that." Kankuro had been so furious about the wardrobe revelations that he had forgotten there was something more important to report. "Everything's settled for us to debut there."

"Wonderful. I'll be waiting for your next report."

…

"Hi Samui! Things are going really great with Sakuto!"

"I'm thrilled to hear that. Now, about—"

"Yeah, he's kind of a little shy at first but he's really opening up to me now! We even stayed up all night once."

"—the music—wait, what!? Stayed up all night doing what?"

"Playing _Shinobi Showdown VII._"

The hologram of Samui sighed in relief at Karui's reply. "Oh, if that's all it was. Now, about the music festival?"

"Everything's going according to plan! We're going to debut there, oh, and the funniest thing is, it's a ninja-themed band! It's going to be hilarious!"

"I'll buy a poster." Samui replied dryly. "Now get some sleep. And by sleep I do not mean video game rematch."


End file.
